My woke case for an African pope

waka waka, [next] time for Africa

Take advantage of our memorial day sale! And hurry up and buy a copy of the zine!

I was invited to see Shakira in NJ last week, and despite the tickets dropping to a shockingly low price the night before the show, I remembered that giving money to entities that further global homogenization is a mortal sin (also megaconcerts have adverse effects on my soul). [And apparently there was a measles outbreak at the NJ concert, so it looks like Allah spared me!]

Anyway, I was praying intensely that the Holy Spirit would inspire the cardinals to elect an African cardinal as pope, and that Shakira would release a [sanctified] remix of Waka Waka, which he would come out dancing to on the papal balcony. But once again, the Holy Spirit did not listen to me, and I humbled myself to accept Its choice of Cardinal Prevost, and began praying to be receptive to what It wants to tell me through him.

Less than a week after his being elected, I was invited to a party in honor of “the first American pope” hosted by a rather conservative Christian magazine that I’ve written for. I wore my shirt with an image of Pope Pius XIII smoking a bogie in protest—against the claim that Leo is the first American pope (it was Pius), and against Francis having banned the sale of tobacco in the Vatican back in 2017 (a disgusting blight on his papal legacy!). While at the party, I explained to several of the attendees that unlike them, I had not prayed for an African cardinal “because I wanted a conservative as pope.” Rather, being the noble contrarian that I am, I explained that my reasons for praying for an African were rather woke.

[Also, I find it ironic how the people who wanted an African pope are pretty openly racist, and how the ones who didn’t want one are pretty covertly racist (or rather, elitist)…but that’s a story for another day.]

Anyway, here are my woke reasons for wanting an African pope: